The art of setting healthy boundaries

Ever found yourself juggling endless tasks, saying YES when you really meant NO, or feeling like your personal space resembled a revolving door?

Happens to all high achievers!

In this edition, we're diving into the art of setting productive boundaries.

Spoiler alert: it's not about building walls; it's about creating balance.

Let’s explore how boundaries not only safeguard your well-being but also enhance the way others engage with you.

_{Read time: 8.2 minutes}

Before we begin: Here’s what you might have missed last week

• In issue #14 of The Productivist, I shared my 28 lessons learnt in 28 years.

• You learnt that “maybe later” is the obstacle.

• You discovered that there is nothing more predictable than an unpredictable distraction. That is why, in this edition we are learning how to say NO.

To access the full issue, click here.

Big idea #1: Healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries

Think of boundaries as personalized guidelines that define both your identity and what falls outside it in different situations. These guidelines set clear limits and distinctions in terms of your actions, thoughts, and emotions.

Boundaries are a necessary component of a healthy and well-functioning life.

But make sure to distinguish between healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries

• are characterized by a clear understanding of one's limits,

• the ability to say NO when necessary, and

• the capacity to communicate needs and expectations to others.

Unhealthy boundaries

• may involve being too open or too rigid.

• Being too open can lead to a lack of personal space and overcommitment.

• While being too rigid can result in isolation and an unwillingness to connect with others.

Here’s a visual I created to summarize these concepts:

Big idea #2: Setting boundaries at work

High achievers like you and me tend to go above and beyond when it comes to delivering their best work in their job.

You may think that no matter how hard you try to establish boundaries, your team keeps breaking them.

But I assure you, over 95% of those boundaries YOU are the one to break.

E.g. If you said you’re done working at 6pm, but your colleague sends you an email later that evening - that colleague did not break any boundaries.
You checking your inbox at 8pm is what broke the boundary.

Sounds familiar? 🥲

So here are 9 steps to setting boundaries at work:

1. Seek clarity

   In a corporate world that means defining your role clearly.
   In entrepreneurship it means focusing on one project at a time.
   Define your major deliverables, areas of focus, and responsibilities.
   
   

2. Prioritize

   Categorize your tasks using the important/urgent matrix.
   Prioritize the ones in important and urgent quadrant.
   
   

3. Learn to say NO

   Accepting tasks or invitations beyond your capacity leads to frustration, overwork, and burnout. Protect your focus and productivity by getting comfortable with the response NO.
   
   

4. Set your work hours

   Defined work hours is key to sustainable success and work-life balance.
   
   

5. Delegate

   You can have it all if you don’t do it all. Start by delegating tasks you dislike or lack expertise in. Empower your team to do the same.
   
   

6. Take regular breaks

   A break is not something you must deserve, it is necessary for maintaining your focus and effectiveness while working.
   
   

7. Manage expectations

   Let your team know if you are experiencing personal or professional struggle and need support.
   
   

8. Regularly reevaluate your approach

   Periodically assess your schedule's effectiveness. Ask crucial questions to evaluate your well-being and alignment with your work:

   • Are you happy?

   • Do you find joy in coming to work?

   • Are you connected to the mission?

   • Can you visualize the end goal?
     
     

9. Cultivate a culture of open communication

   Create an environment where team members feel comfortable sharing their boundaries.

Big idea #3: Boundaries improve relationships

There are a lot of misconceptions about setting boundaries.

Let’s go over some of them here.

Boundaries are not selfish.

• They are about creating a balanced life, not about neglecting others.

• Clear boundaries benefit both individuals and their relationships.

All relationships need boundaries.

• Mutual respect and being comfortable around each other are prerequisites to any healthy relationship, regardless of the nature of the connection.

Setting boundaries is not confrontational.

• Clear communication and assertiveness are key components of setting boundaries respectfully, and it's about expressing needs and limits, not necessarily engaging in conflict.

Boundaries ≠ distance.

• Boundaries are about creating a framework for healthy connections, ensuring that individuals can engage authentically without feeling overwhelmed or depleted.

Boundaries ≠ distrust.

• Boundaries are about establishing trust by clearly defining expectations and promoting open communication within relationships.

Boundaries ≠ rejection.

• Boundaries are about creating clarity and maintaining a healthy balance, not at all cutting off relationships.

Big idea #4: Practical tips to get better at setting boundaries

If setting and honouring your boundaries is new to you, here are some tips to make the process easier:

1. Write them down
   (to avoid confusion or forgetting them)
   
   

2. Practice them

   (in front of the mirror)
   
   

3. Align your body language
   (if your body language is assertive and aligns with your communicated boundaries, it sends a strong and immediate signal to others about the importance of respecting those limits)
   
   

4. Be consistent
   (if you go back and forth on boundaries, others may not respect them)
   
   

5. Be assertive
   (just like body language, it is a signal for others to honour your boundaries)
   
   

6. Use “I” statements
   (then if a boundary is broken, consequence actions are up to you)
   
   

7. Have consequences
   (more on that later - big idea #5)
   
   

8. Build a support system

   (surround yourself with individuals who understand and respect your boundaries.)

Big idea #5: Boundaries formula & examples

Are there any specific areas in your life where you experience a lot of frustration, resentment, or anger?

If so, I would recommend prioritizing setting and honouring your own boundaries in that area.

Let me introduce you to a simple formula for setting effective boundaries for yourself (as opposed to expecting OTHERS to respect them):

Examples:

• If my manager asks me to take on a new project C, I will say “I am happy to help you with C… But as I am already working on projects A and B, which one should I prioritize/put on pause?” (to clarify what project(s) to park before taking on a new one)
  
  

• If I am tempted to check my inbox after my work hours, I will text my friend and check in how their week is going instead.
  
  

• If anyone makes a passive aggressive comment about my kids, I will not make it mean anything about me as a parent.
  
  

• If my friends start gossiping about other friends, I will ask one of them how their parents are doing (to move the conversation to something I feel better about).
  
  

• If I’m tempted to say “I told you so”, I will not.
  
  

• If my partner is using phone at dinner table, I will kindly and directly suggest we create a new agreement to keep devices away from the table to allow this time for connection and a conversation instead.
  
  

• If I break a habit I’m trying to set, I will focus on my next best choice, rather than telling myself that I am a failure and should just give up.
  
  

• If difficult emotions come up, I will practice identifying the sensations in my body and allowing them to move through me like a wave, rather than ignoring and surpassing.

These are just examples, but I encourage for you to find an area in your life where you can benefit from setting such boundaries.

Remember, boundaries aren't about waiting for others to respect them; they're about determining how you will uphold them yourself.

Tiny Habit: The "Next Morning" Rule

If someone invites you to do something next week, before agreeing to it and regretting it later, ask yourself:

Would I commit to doing this if it was tomorrow morning?

If the answer is no, it likely will not be something you would want to do next week either.

Don’t be that person who says yes and then cancels last minute. 👎
Don’t be that person who shows up only because they need to please others. 👎

Politely decline the invitation. 👍

_{(h/t Kevin Kelly)}

The Productivist Question

Boundaries are not universal for everyone.

Each person's boundaries are unique to their individual needs, values, and circumstances.

Setting boundaries is also an ongoing process, not a one-time event.

It requires regular self-reflection and adjustment as circumstances change.

So here are some questions you can reflect on this week:

• What boundaries have I already set in different areas of my life?

• Where on the spectrum from “too open” to “too rigid” are they?

• Do I need to adjust anything?

• What boundaries should I set?

Keep in mind, establishing your boundaries isn't solely for your benefit.

Success in your career not only enriches your life but also creates a positive ripple effect for those around you.

It's a transformative journey that requires you to set boundaries and live in congruence with the best of whom you can be.

Until next week!

Valeriya

🎉 BF Special Offer 🎉

If you find yourself perpetually caught between prioritizing your career, relationships, health, or having fun; I’d love to help you strike that balance by adopting the high performance principles.

Book a session with me today at a reduced rate to create a blueprint for you to go from chaos to balance.

You too can lead an extraordinary life.