How to receive, ask for and give productive feedback

How to be more productive, consistently?

(It’s not what you think it is)

While many gurus will point you towards time and project management techniques, I’ll give you a high-performance habit.

What's the difference?

The former generates a sporadic feeling of progress. The latter leads to consistent results beyond standard norms, long-term.

Which one sounds better to you?

You're right, the answer is both!

(But the high-performance habit must come first.)

The number one thing you’ve been missing:

Clarity.

• Not just goal clarity 

• Not just desire clarity 

• Not just routines clarity 

But also clarity about:

• Who you are 

• What you stand for

• What makes you unique 

• What makes you successful 

• How you want to show up for others

It’s your self-awareness. 

And here’s something you might hate to hear:

If you avoid feedback, you avoid success.

Why? 

When received with the right approach, feedback will help expand your self-awareness in 3 key areas:

1. What makes you successful (so you can play your ace cards more often) 

2. What areas you need to improve (to strategically approach your growth) 

3. How you are perceived in interactions (because your intentions don’t count, your influence does) 

If you get uncomfortable every time feedback comes your way, this newsletter issue is for you. 

Today, you’ll learn how to: 

• Receive feedback without getting defensive 

• Ask for feedback that will actually be helpful 

• Give feedback that will be understood, not just heard

Let’s dive in.

_{Read time: 4.7 minutes}

Before we begin: Here’s what you might have missed in the past few weeks…

• In issue #51 of The Productivist, I shared why & how to break the cycle of late-night creativity. Learn it all here.

• In issue #50, you learned my top 3 lessons I learned from my 6-year happy relationship. Read them here.

• In issue #49, you discovered my guide to developing a fitness mindset (not just physical). Check it out here.

Which one was your favourite? Just hit reply and let me know! 🫶

Big idea #1: How to receive feedback without getting defensive

Feedback isn't just confined to annual 360 reviews.

You’re constantly receiving feedback:

• Compliments on your work.

• Silence after you’ve spoken.

• Lack of engagement or attention.

• Constructive criticism from a colleague.

• Questions people ask about your projects.

• Opportunities or challenges presented to you.

• Enthusiasm someone shows towards your ideas.

Feedback is all around you.

However:

1. It's crucial to recognize that not all feedback is valuable.

2. Even when it is, the way you process it can be unproductive.

That's why learning HOW to receive feedback is your primary goal today.

Have you even gotten feedback like this?

🤷‍♀️: «It’s alright… Could have been better.»

If you have, you know what happens next in your mind, right?

🧠: "Oh no, what did I do wrong? It must be this point. I don’t understand it myself. Why did I do this? This job is too hard. I’m not good at it. Why am I burdening my team? She would have done it so much faster than me. And better too. I am just bad at everything. I suck!"

Am I exaggerating? Probably not.

In my experience, this is exactly what happens if you haven’t mastered the art of receiving feedback.

The big hard truth:

Feedback is only 20% what they tell you and 80% what you tell yourself afterward.

This should be a light-bulb moment for you. 💡

Your self-talk makes feedback feel so much worse than it actually is.

How can you change your approach?

Understand that there are two choices when you get feedback:

1. Internalize it.

2. Filter it, extract lessons, and let it go.

Isn’t it true you’ve mostly been choosing the first option?

• You take it in as a fact.

• You believe it.

• You let it define you.

In other words, you absorb it like a sponge, making it a part of who you are. 🧽

When, in fact, it's not a fact!

It's a perception of another person. Another human being who may:

• Not have your best interests in mind.

• Be experiencing difficulties in their own life.

• Not actually know what they are talking about.

A better approach?

Instead of soaking feedback in like a sponge, strain it.

(Thank you, Shanita Williams, for the "Sponge vs. Strainer" analogy!)

Here are the 3 questions I use to filter out unhelpful feedback:

1. Do they have my best interests in mind?

2. Are they in a good mood and a good place in life?

3. Do they know what they are talking about?

If all answer are YES, their feedback is a gift!

• This is the kind of feedback you should seek and appreciate.

• It still doesn’t mean it’s entirely factual, but it's more valuable than 95% of feedback out there.

• It requires your objective assessment and possibly a secondary opinion.

• Such feedback comes with a lesson. And learning a lesson is a win.

If the answer is NO to any of these, it's not the kind of feedback you need to care about. Don’t take it personally or seriously. ✌️

Tim Fargo once said: “Mistakes should be examined, learned from, and discarded; not dwelled upon and stored.”

Apply the same to receiving feedback:

Big idea #2: How to ask for feedback that is actually helpful

If you ask the crowd, "How did I do?" what answers do you typically get?

Such a question will only attract two types of people:

1. Cheerleaders ("Well done!")

2. Critics ("This was not good. Fix That. Also this thing - didn’t get it. Oh yeah, why didn’t you ___? I almost fell asleep.")

Cheerleaders, while supportive, aren't always as helpful as they think.
Critics can be too vague or way too specific, and sometimes overly harsh.

What are you looking to gain here for instead?

The ideas for tangible, small improvements to make your next attempt better.

✘ Not a cheerleader.
✘ Not a critic.

✔ You need a coach.

(H/t Adam Grant)

And I don’t mean you need someone like me, although who couldn’t benefit from working with me? 💁‍♀️

What I suggest is to unlock the coach in any person by asking them these two questions:

1. On a scale from 1 to 10, how was my [specific result, presentation, skill]?

10 out of 10 is rare, don’t expect it. But whatever they reply with, let’s assume it is “N”, follow up with:

2. What do you think I could try to raise this score to [N+1] in the next month?

(An actually helpful strategy, I know!)

One of my clients used this method last week per my recommendation to unlock the coach in her manager, whose cheerleading approach left her feeling directionless.

Now she’s got tangible feedback on how to improve and what to try next.

How cool is that?

Remember:

Don't be upset with people not giving you helpful feedback. This isn't taught even at the director level.

But as a high performer, you are now equipped to get anyone to offer you productive feedback via two simple questions.

You're welcome!

Big idea #3: How to give feedback that is understood, not just heard

How to give helpful feedback?

Amateurs might say:

• Make it specific.

• Tell them what you would have done and how.

• Use a compliment sandwich method (compliment, followed by critical comment, followed by compliment).

However, just like with productivity, WHAT you say isn't important until you understand HOW to make them actually hear you.

Because, usually, they get defensive.

How to defuse defensiveness?

Talk about the approach, not the person.

Instead of saying:

✘ "You should have formatted it this way because most will lose your train of thought" 

• Which prompts a response: “Ok, thank you” - while they feel bitter and defensive subconsciously.

Try:

✔ "This way of formatting makes it hard to follow the main idea. This other way where [explain] could be a better choice in this case."

• Which prompts a response: “Oh, yes, this makes sense, thank you!” - where they actually hear and understand your helpful insight.

You’ll be surprised, but the same goes for compliments:

Instead of saying:

✘ "You are such a great presenter!"

• Where the person learns nothing about what makes them great and what exactly they should do more of

Try:

✔ "I loved your approach to keeping the audience engaged by asking us questions and inviting us to stand up. It felt nice to be able to move a bit, we’ve been sitting for hours."

• Share specific things you love about their approach.

By focusing on the approach and providing specific examples, your feedback becomes clearer and more constructive.

It’s a win-win method because:

1. Your perspective is understood and appreciated

2. They get a valuable lesson without feeling personally attacked

The Productivist Challenge: Ask for feedback like a high performer

Here's your challenge:

1. Identify the skill or task you want feedback on.

2. Ask someone, "On a scale from 1 to 10, how was my [specific result, presentation, skill]?"

When they reply with a number (let's call it "N"), follow up with:

3. "What do you think I could try to raise this score to [N+1] in the next month?"

Try it out this week and watch the quality of feedback you receive transform!

The Productivist Question:

What are my ace cards?
How often have I played them in the past 3 months? 

Wish you a beautiful week ahead,

Valeriya

PS: Joining the challenge myself. How would you rate my writing style in this newsletter on the scale from 1 to 10 & how could I raise this score by 1 in my next newsletter? Let me know by hitting reply or DMing me on LinkedIn!

_{If someone forwarded you this newsletter, you can join us here.
If you want to work with Valeriya 1:1, click here to apply.}

Continue learning: