Are you speaking Own-ish or Victim-ese?

Recently, a friend shared with me, "Val, I feel like I am too busy these days!"

Curious, I asked, "Too busy for what?"

This seemed to puzzle her, prompting a follow-up, "What do you mean?"

I explained, "Busy implies you're short on time for some things. What are those things?"

After a brief pause, she smiled, realizing, "Actually, I have time for everything."

Spotting an opportunity, I remarked, "So, you're not 'busy' — you're fully optimized."

(Yes, I am always this annoying 🥲, but here’s what it triggered…)

This insight sparked an immediate shift in her; it was as if a light had been switched on.

• Her demeanour changed instantly.

• Her smile broadened.

• Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

"That's it! I am fully optimized!" she declared, energized by this new perspective.

Why am I sharing this with you?

This conversation illuminates a powerful truth:

The words we choose profoundly influence our mindset and reality.

In this scenario, by shifting from 'busy' to 'fully optimized,' we adopt a narrative of empowerment over overwhelm.

Let's explore how the language we use can frame our experiences in a more positive and empowering light.

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Before we begin: Here’s what you might have missed…

• In issue #33 of The Productivist, I shared 6 mental models that high performers have embedded into their decision-making. Access the full issue here.

• In issue #32, you discovered my happiness toolkit. Check it out here.

• In issue #31, you learnt how you can master stress to boost performance and productivity. Read it here.

Which one has been your favourite?

Big idea #1: Do words have the power to change your brain?

Short answer: absolutely, yes.

The long answer is based on research by Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Robert Waldman, which they summarized in their book, "Words Can Change Your Brain," revealing how language can transform our mental pathways.

Picture your brain as an intricate network of highways where countless neural signals travel.

Words — heard, spoken, or even thought — act as directions on these highways, influencing the flow and speed of neural traffic.

Here's the fascinating part:

• Positive words, such as "love" and "peace," light up the brain's frontal lobes and motor cortex, akin to guiding neural signals toward areas that spark joy and action.

• In contrast, negative words trigger the amygdala, causing stress and muddling our thought processes and communication.

If you’ve never heard of neuroplasticity, you'll be surprised to learn that regularly using certain types of language can make some neural pathways stronger, essentially reinforcing and paving more roads to either positive or negative states.

• Positive language makes resilience and well-being habitual,

• while negative language turns stress and anxiety into our default.

Words, therefore, hold the power not just to reflect our reality but to shape it.

By consciously choosing a positive language, you steer your neural pathways, thus, enhancing your default state toward:

• happiness,

• well-being,

• confidence,

• high performance,

• deeper connections.

Even though you may not feel the difference — for your brain, every word matters.

Big idea #2: Are you speaking Own-ish or Victim-ese?

How do you speak about your life?

With words that command responsibility and intent, or with phrases that place you at the mercy of fate?

The language we employ offers a clear window into our mindset, revealing whether we view ourselves:

• as architects of our destiny or

• as leaves tossed by the wind.

Self-efficacy and autonomy shape our daily experiences, but they are highly subjective perceptions that are deeply influenced by the dialogue we choose.

Here’s the difference:

Own-ish:

• You are taking ownership and responsibility.

• You use words that reflect self-agency, choice, and personal responsibility.

• For example, "I chose to work late to finish the project" instead of "I had to work late because of the project" frames the situation as a choice rather than an imposition.

Victim-ese:

• You externalize control and diminish personal agency.

• You may use phrases like "I can't do this because..." or "I'm stuck because..."

• Such word choices position oneself as a victim of circumstances, not as an active participant in one's own life.

Here’s an exercise for you to try:

1. Reflect on a recent challenge or obstacle that you had to face this year.

2. Describe the situation in Victim-ese.

3. Next, translate it to Own-ish.

4. Notice the shift in perspective and how it changes your sense of control and agency.

Remember, the language we use not only mirrors our mindset but also moulds it.

By consciously choosing to speak in Own-ish, we affirm our role as the owner of our destiny, fostering a more empowered and proactive approach to life.

Conversely, habitually speaking in Victim-ese can trap us in a mindset where we see ourselves as perpetual victims, undermining our ability to change our circumstances and grow.

Thus, the question isn't just about what happens to us, but how we choose to talk about what happens.

The choice — and the power — lies in our words.

Big idea #3: Reframes to raise happiness

Have to → Get to

When it comes to healthy habits and chores — things that you will do — use it as an opportunity to infuse joy and happiness into your life.

Yet, when you say 'have to', it weighs you down and sucks the joy out of your daily routine.

So let’s swap it with a powerful 'get to'.

Instead of "I have to cook dinner."
→ "I get to nourish my body." OR
→ "I get to feed my family."

Instead of "I have to work out."
→ "I get to move my body and make it even stronger."

Instead of "I have to wake up early"
→ "I get to start my day before others."

Instead of "I have to clean the house"
→ "I get to create a peaceful space for myself."

Can't → Don't

Another impactful reframe is unlearning to say 'can’t' when you are saying 'no'.

Try these more powerful alternatives:

Instead of "I can't eat fast food."
→ "I don’t eat fast food." OR
→ "I choose not to eat fast food for my energy."

Instead of "I can't afford that."
→ "I prioritize spending on what truly matters to me."

Pain and hatred → Hope and preference

While it's important to honour and address your negative emotions rather than suppressing them, sometimes the language we choose can unintentionally deepen our negative states.

It's not about ignoring genuine feelings but about framing our experiences in a way that opens up pathways to healing and hope.

Instead of "I am depressed."
→ "I am on the road to a turnaround."

Instead of "I hate this movie."
→ "I prefer to watch comedies."

Big idea #4: Reframes to elevate performance

Nervous/Anxious → Excited

This one is my favourite substitution:

Instead of "I am nervous about this interview."
→ "I am excited for this interview!"

Research suggests that reframing anxiety as excitement can be beneficial because both emotions are high arousal states, but excitement is positive.

It helps you see anxiety-inducing situations as opportunities, rather than threats, thereby improving performance.

Distracting-from-progress language → Performance language

Instead of "I am overwhelmed with work."
→ "I am prioritizing my most impactful tasks." OR
→ "I am in demand at work this week."

Instead of "I am busy."
→ "I am fully optimized."

Instead of "This is impossible."
→ "This is challenging."

Instead of "I have too many problems."
→ "I have opportunities to grow stronger."

Instead of "I am so exhausted/tired/drained."
→ "I am playing in overtime."
→ "I need to recharge."

Instead of "This project is going to be stressful."
→ "This project is a chance to stretch my abilities."

Instead of "I am stuck."
→ "I am exploring new angles."

Instead of "I am ruined."
→ "It was a setback."

Big idea #5: Reframes to boost confidence

Failure → Learning

Instead of "I can't do this."
→ "I can't do this yet."

Instead of "I’m not good at this."
→ "I’m learning to get better at this."

Instead of "I’ll probably fail."
→ "I’ll give it my best and learn no matter what."

Instead of "Last time I failed."
→ "Last time I learned that…"

Instead of "I have so far to go."
→ "I’ve come so far already."

Focused on impressing → Focused on improving

Instead of "Others are better than me."
→ "I bring a unique value to the table." OR
→ "What can I learn from them?"

Instead of "I don’t have the experience."
→ "I’m eager to gain experience in this area."

Instead of "I was rejected."
→ "I was misunderstood." OR
→ "I was overlooked."

Instead of "I am embarrassed about my comment."
→ "I am aware of my comment."

Instead of "I feel so stupid."
→ "I am unresourceful here."

Excuses → 'All I need to start is to start'

Instead of "Just do it."
→ "Just start it."

Instead of "It’s too late for me to start now."
→ "There will never be a better time to start than now."

Tiny habit: Ask for help.

There's nothing admirable about doing it all on your own.

School may have implied that asking for help is cheating. Yet, no one who has achieved success did it entirely solo.

This mindset does you a huge disservice.

It's time to unlearn it.

• Asking for help isn't cheating; it's collaborating.

• Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness; it's a mark of intelligence.

• Asking for help doesn't inconvenience others; in fact, it often makes them like you more. This is because their subconscious needs to justify the action of helping you, leading to a longer list of reasons they find you likable.

I hope I demonstrated you well how to ask for help at the beginning of this newsletter. 😉

I'm aware that maintaining the high quality of this newsletter isn't possible without your feedback. That's why I've reached out for your help.

What are your thoughts on this newsletter? Hit reply and let me know.

The Productivist Questions

We tend to ask “what-if” questions only when anticipating negative outcomes.

For example, if you worry about starting a new project, you may think:

• What if I fail?

• What if people judge me?

• What if it doesn’t work out?

Now, knowing the power that language and word choice have on your mindset, I hope you refrain from using these.

Instead, you can ask yourself:

• What if this opens up new opportunities for me?

• What if I am going to meet that one person who will change my life in the best way possible?

• What if I succeed?

Those are great questions to reflect on.

• What if you have the most productive week this week, how would it look like?

Have a beautiful week ahead!

Valeriya

PS: Warm welcome to all the new joiners! DM me on LinkedIn to say hi!

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